Q&A on the years gone by(e)....

Is thirty a good time for introspection? Not quite if you go by the new-age theory that 40 is the new 20. It's not yet mid-life or even  the rebellion teenage then. But the mind seems to differ and is seeking a few answers to some 'heavily loaded' questions. I have always amused at how our mind starts its day. At times it's so in peace with itself and just blends into our plans-for-the-day, at times it wakes up angry and fuming and sets the temper tone at its highest, at times it's infectiously funny and keeps us smiling and happy all day, then there are days when the mind's on a holiday--you hardly know it's there-- and you end up doing mindless stuff. Oh and then there are those days when the mind wakes up with 'loaded questions'. Today's one such morning where my mind's hit by the Past-Forward Syndrome: a look back at the past, the way it's turned out and a look ahead at the future and the way it should be shaped.
Taking the time machine-ride to revisit the past years, the mind has popped up this question: So what have I achieved in these years? The heart replies: Is life about achievements? Life is about living, learning, experiencing, enjoying. Mind ponders over it, not quite convinced and decides to still do a postmortem of the years lived. Where do I start? Taking stock of the good-bad, haves-have nots, yes-no, smiles-tears, faces-places, dreams-nightmares...not an easy task. It's just a quick flashback to find a few answers: What have I achieved? Have I lived life good enough? Do I want to live my future differently? 

What have I achieved?

If achieving something is the purpose of life, well, I am not fully empty. Achievements don't just mean certificates or trophies or awards. My first day at school, my first friend, learning to ride the cycle, my first painting (that had a blue sun and yellow sky), the day my first attempt at gardening bloomed into a pretty pink rose, my first omlette, my first lone bus trip, my first time on stage...and so many more 'first times' that I so cherish and pat myself about.

Have I lived life good enough?

Good enough is a tricky phrase. Maybe I want to ask myself if I have been more happy than sad about the way I have lived my life. There are things that I have done to make myself happy. There are things I have done to make others happy. When weigh the two I think I've been a little partial to others' happiness. I say this because my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die List is still quite long with some longtime desires put 'On Hold' either because mom didn't approve of it or because a friend wanted it first or because a dear one doesn't seem too thrilled about it, and some because I have not managed to find the time, the money and the courage.
There are also the many things that I wished I had done differently.
No 1: Taking Commerce for my Bachelors. I am skipping the 'why I did it' story.
No 2: Not mastering the skill of driving through the traffic maze. I successfully got my license at the age of 20 but ten years later I have now once again joined a driving school to relearn the skill.
No 3: Not experimenting enough with my hair. I would like to think it's still not too late, but my hair says a different story. It's bored of sticking on to my scalp and plucks itself off and clings on to my hairbrush. Then it lives a free life, flying from one room to another and then to the waste-bin from where it travels to another new world.
No 4: Not sharing enough laughter with my mom. This is one thing am now trying to make up but once again stressed for time and laughter moments.
No 5: I claim to be in love with the waters, but the last time I took a swim was ten years ago. What's my reason for it, especially when I have a pool barely 5 minutes from my home! I hope to get back into the water, praying I find my breath and not go drowning down.

No 6: Falling prey to fashion trends and ending up looking like a clown. The pictures in my album could scare any sane being: the hair styles, the clothes, the make-up. Ugghhhh...Eeekkss... Am smarter now.
No 7: Stopping with three pricks on my ears. Did a fourth one but took it off after a few months. How I wish I had more. Now can't find the courage to go through the pain and trouble yet again.
No 8: Saying it as it is, is not something I often did. At times I was honest but on most others I failed to speak my heart. Lost friends, lost loves because of this.
No 9: My Music class. Never took it seriously and never understand the beauty of it while learning it, and today I regret it. How I wish I had continued it.
No 10: Allowing my grandmother to hug me more often and kiss me whenever she wanted to. I thought I was a big girl and too old for such sweet gestures of love. Today I hug her for no reason. Love you.

Do I want to live my future differently?

I don't try and learn lessons from each phase in life. I just let it pass and then maybe later cry over it or laugh about it. But yes, a small decision--where my mind and heart are in unison--is that I will try and love myself a little more. I will pamper myself a little more. I will listen to my heart more often. I will give myself some time to live its desires and dreams. It's never too late to start loving yourself. I will try and fulfill at least some things on the 'To-Do' list. I will love more, laugh more, live more.

Nights of blogging...and blank mornings

Am not sure who invented the concept of blogging? When and how was this word coined and what was its actual purpose. Is it just a space (mostly public) for you to give words to your thoughts, emotions and express yourself for all to see and read! But still maintain a certain anonymity coz blogs don't necessarily need to have your name (as on the birth certificate), you could always be identified as the 'madnessisme.blogspot' or 'sunshineandrain.blogspot' or 'compulsiveconfessions' or 'thesinner.blogspot'. You could have anything from a cartoon to a film star to a notebook or a pair of glasses as your profile pic.
Coming to me..why did I start blogging? I can't exactly recall but I think it started shortly after I quit my regular office work. Left with a lot of time, too many thoughts rummaging my mind and no one to share it with (poor me was home alone with a growing tummy and didn't think it right to overburden the little life inside with the stresses, pressures and exaggerations of life in this world). Maybe it was then...that I decided to join the blogosphere, a term that was alien to me until then.
Naming the blog was the first step. I didn't really spend too much time on it coz I was definitely not in my most creative or wacky moods then. So I settled for 2 things I can't do without: coffee and myself. And thus was born cuppacoffeeandme.blogspot.com. I would have liked to add a lot more favourites to it like rain, the chill, books...but it's fine. Coffee it is...The name doesn't in any way signify the contents within. Do not expect steamy write-ups or burning desires or frothy dreams...it's just me chatting with myself.
In the start I was on an over-drive..writing new posts whenever I could. Don't think it what really my mind speaking then..it was more about me trying to make my presence felt and make blogging part of my routine. Soon the excitement fizzled out and the posts were drying up...from one a day to one a week, then a few lines a month and then months of no blogging at all. Every few months I would do this blog revival post promising to be more faithful to this space but never happened.
In the recent months, I developed this sudden re-interest in blogging and I find myself wanting to write or actually having something to write very often. The blog's in my mind always and I find myself making mental notes of things/people/experiences that I want to write about. Many nights in the recent weeks I find myself lying in bed (am a struggler when it comes to getting sleep) playing my blog in my mind...thinking of what to write and even framing sentences..almost like I am out to make an impression and someone's watching me and marking me on the basis of my blogs, its relevance, its presentation, etc. It's funny! Coz if the comments link is any indication of the clicks on my blog then I have barely any readers. Just 1-2 faithful friends.
It is a little disappointing when you see no response to your blogs, though you (in this case ME) claim blogs just a space to speak your mind and you're not really bothered about its popularity, etc. Despite this, I find myself inspired to write more and doing the 'mental blog note' every night. Sadly the mornings have me struggling to recollect my 'late night blog thoughts' and often I draw a blank.
I have a faint feeling that I had done a version of this blog too in my mind...with more impressive sentences and stronger words. For now...this is all my mind could gather.