June 29, 2009

It's me, or is it?

There is no right way or easy way to break the news of someone's death. I feel I have been hearing a little too many 'no more' news in the recent days....or is it that some of them have impacted me more than usual!
Lohithadas dies......and with it ends a class of films (rather stories) that were so human and so raw, they almost breathed life. Thaniyavarthanam is one of the most depressing movies I've seen. So much so that my aunt still refuses to watch films that even remotely deals with mental agony or distress. She hasn't watched even Manichitrathazhu. That's the kind of impact Thaniyavarthanam left on the minds of viewers. With it Malayalam got one of the most gifted story writers. From his mind flowed touching stories like Kireedam, Bharatham, Amaram..... He was a relief to the tired, bored viewer, his stories reminded us that simplicity still exists.
I spoke to him once, last month, for an article. It was such a joy to hear him....words that he used and softness with which he spoke was a rarity. Definitely not something I've heard when I've spoken to people with a celebrity-status. Well, he never considered himself a celebrity, and that's was endeared him to people.
It's always shocking and devastating when lives come to an end with no notice or warning. This was one such incident. I cried too. Why? I don't know. I was always consioered the insensitive one, but now am turning into a little too emotional being. Or did I always have this side to me? Maybe. I hated crying in front of others, I always projected myself as the strong one. Somewhere along I forgot to do things that I wanted to. I ignored the emotional side in me, turned a deaf ear to my heart's wants.
I am very much a today's girl... strong, independent, cool..who loves 'hanging out' with friends, enjoys a drink, roams malls to simply 'kill' time... But there is another me who loves companionship, who loves to be pampered, who enjoys movies and books and loves to simply sit back, enjoy the breeze and rain and warm up to someone I love. There is a me who cries at the siliest of things, who laughs at the stupidest of jokes, who likes to cook for fun, who wants to travel to places that ooze with rawness and freshness...a me who wants to live and celebrate life. And now there's something or someone whispering in my mind, telling me it's not too late. There is a me who wishes to hear stories and that me is deepply hurt at the abrupt end of a soulful story teller's life.

June 27, 2009

What's your status today?

A lot is being said about the status messages seen on networking sites, esp Facebook (FB). There was even a piece based on it in one of the recent Sunday Express supplements. Is it such a big deal really?
Some people like to share their angst, anger, love or whatever random feeling it is with others, some others just wanna express themselves, some do it for fun... whatever reason be it, it's just a harmless gesture. Or is it?
The death of Michael Jackson was the content of almost all FB status messages yesterday (and even today). Every one was getting creative with their take on MJ, his music and his life. Me too. Though am no HUGE MJ fan, I did feel bad that a part of my childhood memories had ended. MJ was part of my growing up days, his music was fodder for our ears during our school days, his life and his weird acts were part of our chats. And so it may have been for many....
A friend of mine was horribly disgusted with the fact that a friend of his had chosen to refer to MJ as "that paedophile" while commenting on his death. My friend thought it was absolutely inconsiderate and insensitive to have said so, at least, not just hours after his death. Maybe he was right. MJ or whoever it may be, may hold no special place in your heart and you may not really care about him, but we could try and be polite and respectful to the person at least on the day of his death. Don't mourn the loss, but at least don't celebrate it, either. Well...one could argue that we are all entitled to 'freedom of expression'. A right we mostly prefer to misuse than use for just purposes.
Coming back to status messages... I do update my status quite often. It's not even a status, it's sometimes a thought, or an opinion, or observation, or anger at something, or a feeling, or yeah the state of mind at that moment. People can chose to comment on it, ridicule it or simply ignore it. Why make a fuss about it?
What if A is excited about the weekend, or B is missing his loved one, or C wants a kickass holiday.... What do we care... or do we?

June 26, 2009

No retakes...

When you write if you make a mistake, you erase it and rewrite. It's not so simple in life, though. When you've made a wrong decision, a wrong move, it ain't easy to erase it. Most often, it stays with you for life. At best you can try to better the situation.
Sometimes, some poeple change...and how. You are amazed at how drastically their character has changed and you begin to wonder if he/she's the same person you knew. Days when you could freely share your dreams, your likes, your wants will be a forgotten time. Today...is a different story. Thoughts and dreams run like parallel tracks...each in its own route. It hurts, it's depressing but hard to alter.
Where do you run for solace, where do you find a hand to hold, where do you look for a shoulder to lean? Life....you're one bloody game!

June 24, 2009

Vanishing memories

Why are memories so difficult to erase, ignore or forget? Some things and some people who you wish would just disappear from your mind and thoughts keep coming back a little too often. Why oh Why!!!
Every day i tell myself: "No, I ain't gonna brood over a love lost or feel bad about a dear friend's indifference or crib about things bygone". And every day I find my mind more and more involved in these very same activities. I was never one known for will power and determination (esp in matters of heart and weight), so my weak mind once again falls prey to memories.
The weight matter, of course, is growing and growing. Just when I decided to start walking, the rains came...oh i've said this before! Yeah so where was I: my mind and its inability to forget.
Now am already upset over the departure of a dear friend or my twin or watever I can call him. Another week and off he goes....to another country in another continent and then he too will become part of my every thoughts.

June 22, 2009

Bad Day Blues

I woke up the other day and within minutes i said to myself "I've woken up to a bad day". Well...how does one know the day's gonna be a dampener..what classifies as a 'bad day'. I just felt so and guess the feeling just grows on you. Coz the minute by maid walked in, she looked at me and asked "Aren't you feeling well? You look unwell." Ah. see I told you it was a bad day. Then i was off for some emergency grocery shopping, bumped into my neighbour at the lift and she soon asked: "Hey what happened babe. You look so dull!". There you are.... it is indeed a bad day and my feeling's just growing stronger.
And so it was. Everything went wrong. Had an unannounced guest, my son was cranky, husband was not in his best of moods and there was me who was just waiting to be bugged. Whew!!!
Finally evening came and there as some excitement coz I was going for the Colonial Cousins programme. I was quite sure tats gonna be a disappointment too. No ways!!! It was an absolute rocker. Those guys-- Hariharan and Leslie-- their energy levels are just awesome, envious i shud say.
Two hours of fun, music and excitement was a relief. Back home the 'bad day blues' were back. Off i went to bed hoping the sun would rise to a brighter day the next morning.
But I still wonder what makes the 'bad day'. Well...good day to all!!!

June 17, 2009

World Cup blues

A clean sweep for the Indian team (or Men in Blue) at the T20 World Cup. A 3-0 defeat and the first T20 World Champions are out. Am thrilled.... Some may call me a saddist, some may call me cruel...but am loving it. And the reactions have already started. Former players coming down heavily on Mr Lucky Man Dhoni, fans screaming foul, burning effigies of the captain and what not.
Well...what else would you expect from a country and people who went to another extreme in welcoming this very same team when they returned as champions last year. Almost the whole of Mumbai came to a halt, courtesy a procession taken out for the heroes (yeah rite they had just won a war for humanity's cause!). An open bus, decked up with flowers crawling through the roads that were suffocated by people screaming praises and raising placards hailing Dhoni and his boys.
Tipped as the favourites for this World Cup and the team that's best prepared for the WC, the boys in blue seemed to be affected by winning blues and out they came crashing losing all their games. Reasons are plenty, Dhoni's poor captaining, Sehwag's absence, Yuvraj being dropped down the order...and so the newspapers go on and on and on.
At least for a while the sports pages will have more to talk about that just cricket and cricketers will have other things to do than play the WC. Didn't we see the out-of-action Sreesanth walking the green carpet at IIFA!

June 11, 2009

Press the panic button

'Procrastination is the thief of time': so i was taught in my primary class. I have even spoke on this during our school assembly, representing my house (Blue Diamond). But in all these years I haven't been able to practise it. Till date I can't resist the temptation of postponing things and finally completing it in a mad rush just in the nick of time. Somehow I convince myself that my best comes out in times of hurry. I tell myself that ideas pour in when time runs out. And somehow I have managed to escape without much errors or complaints, so far. Would I have been able to do a better job if I had given it a little more time or thought? Well, I wouldn't know coz I have never given myself a chance to know.
Today, or should I say tonite (it's already past 9 p.m) is yet another time when I have pushed things so late that now am in that 'oh-so-familiar-state-of-panic'. This time, I am not certain if i will get away with it, though I'll try my best. My son's not keeping too well, he's at his crankiest worst and I don't get more than 15 mts at a stretch in front of the comp. My husband's out of town, my parents are here....and the house, in general, is in an absolute mess. And I am running late on my deadline. Wow!!! Am I thrilled or what!
Even in the midst of all this, I have the nerve to spend time sharing my thoughts or rather my irresponsibilities on my blog. I have played a stupid game called 'Pathwords' at least 25 times today, trying to beat my friends. And I have still managed to come only 3rd....guess I still have to travel a while on the path of words.
Hoping once again that this would be the last time I prolong or delay things for my own fancy. Time...here I am come...wait for me.

June 8, 2009

Black Monday

Today was supposed to be a day of hartal for most districts in Kerala. And just when people started rejoicing at the thought of one extra holiday....the oh-so-concerned party leadership directed its leaders to change the hartal into a black day. The reason being that 'public shouldn't be troubled'. Wow!!! How fortunate we are to have such responsible, duty-bound and concerned leaders ruling us.
As the day passes, we'll know how many stones have been pelted, how many people have been manhandled and how many demonstrations have been held. The schools, however, have decided to play it safe and have declared a holiday. Why? Because they fear for the kids' safety.
It's quite funny to see that the very same government that have, in the past, held successful hartals are today showing an interest in public and their convenience. Yes, the sarcasm is very evident in my words....but hey the leaders aren't giving you or me a chance to think otherwise and be hopeful.
A new set of leaders (and a few old hands too) have taken up roles at the centre for the next five years. All we can do is 'wait and watch'.

June 5, 2009

Fear of the first

First impression is the best impression...is the common notion. I, however, feel the first impression or first interaction comes with a tinge of anxiety, consciousness, nervousness and expectation. It's not easy to be one's self...to be casual...to just be 'you'. There is the weight of 'what will he/she/they think of me', 'can i create the right impact', 'will my nervousness show'..etc... worries and these often dominate the meeting.
Am just beginning to wonder if I just went through the same. Did the nervousness take over the comfort level, did self-sconsciouness take over the casualness, did the anxiety take over the smoothness... Too late to change things anyways. If there was another 'first time' I would do it differently.
Some words left unsaid....some thoughts not shared....some opinions suppressed.... Will I get another chance?

June 2, 2009

Her spirit and soul remains...

Madhavikutty...Kamala Das...Kamala Surayya... whatever the name, whatever the religion...her spirit and humour is envious. Let me confess, I haven't really read any of her works (have watched a few serials based on her creation)...I haven't ever met her... and I don't know much about her. My moments with her are restricted to the interviews she's given on TV and some recent articles written about her or by her.
Initially, I did find her funny and maybe a little crazy. But then there seemed to something about her, a spark, a courage, an innocence which is rare. She wrote and spoke from her heart...never once caring about the viewer or listener. She had what could probably be described as 'ignorant arrogance' or 'innocent frankness'.
She was one writer who wrote effortlessly and passionately in both malayalam and english... But sadly her creations got recognition and appreciation more in the global scene than in her native land. The 'stuck-up' malayali attitude surfaced here too. How could a woman writer about sensuality, love, lust, passion... and so the accusations went. She didn't seem to care and her words kept flowing... until now it no longer would.
I hope to try and pick up some of her books and get a taste of this phenomena called Madhavikutty...or Kamala or Surayya......