My family rocks!

I have often been asked: "Do you miss having a sibling?" The answer is YES by all means. I have always felt a sense of loneliness, missed having a brother/sister to fight with, share things with, have fun with...and whatever else comes with it. Many a times I've heard people say: "Oh he is so difficult and adamant. He doesn't adjust at all. It's because he's been the only child and had it his way always." OR "She doesn't mingle with anyone, always stays aloof and quiet. This is what happens if you grow up alone, with no brothers or sisters."

I believe that growing up as a single child pushes you to either of the two extremes: an absolute introvert or a total extrovert. Me falls in the latter, and no one would dispute that...am sure! I can't remember when friends and friendships first entered my life, but they were here to stay. I enjoy being with people, love company and always had a huge bunch of friends. I remember my school days, if my parents or anyone said a word negative about my friends, I would be fuming with anger. I didn't know the depth or true essence of friendship then. For me fun meant friends, laughter meant time with friends and if I was down and low, I would again run to friends. Over the years I started respecting, admiring and appreciating my friends a lot more and shared a special bond with each of them. I still do.

In the midst of all this, I somehow ignored family. Family functions, family visits, time with relatives...none of this pleased me. I would turn grumpy at the very mention of it. Spending time with relatives at my ancestral home was never my idea of fun. My heart would still be with my friends, munching popcorn and clapping inside a theatre, or downing ice-creams or just roaming the streets.

Today, more than a decade later, I have begun to appreciate and admire my family too. Does it have to do with my 'motherhood' status. Well, I don't know. One thing I do know is that motherhood has definitely made me respect, admire, appreciate and adore my mother more than ever. The feeling's now spread to the rest of my family too: uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins and the little ones. Why this sudden love for family! Well, we had a family get together at my mother's maternal home. Almost every member of the family made it to the two-day function. Their spirit and happiness was indeed contagious. I was definitely excited about it, but they were all ecstatic about it.

A few hours with them, and I realised how simple they all are. It's so easy to make them smile and brighten their day. Just walk up to them with a smile, give a warm hug, say hello...and see the sparkle in their teary eyes. They don't make such people any more: simple, straight forward, honest, innocent and full of love. From the youngest member to the oldest, each shared the same spirit, energy and joy in making the day special for all.

Memories of the days bygone, tales from the past...it was a nostalgic trip. We payed respects to our dear departed ones and welcomed the new members. Every word spoken, every story told, every experience shared, every photo shown...had millions of memories attached to it, and stirred a thousand emotions in each of us. It was an emotional rollercoaster ride for all: smiling one moment, teary eyed the very next moment, suddenly bursting into loud laughters and again slipping into an emotional silence. The effort behind compiling the rare and precious moments from our lives and giving us a chance to once again wallow in those memories needs to be lauded.

The two days went by laughing, smiling, playing games, sharing memories, tears and joys...leaving us all with a heavy heart and happy mind. It was time to say g'bye and we left with a promise to come back here again, next year. I am looking forward to being with my family yet again...very soon...And I hope to make up for the years I missed, spread more smiles and love them more.

My family rocks!!!

For the kisses & kicks...love you all

Logged in to write a thought that popped up after a chat with a good friend earlier in the day. But as is my ritual, I had to check out the other blogs I follow and enjoy reading, and I found a post that had me all emotional. The writer of the blog is not a friend/acquaintance but can't call her stranger (at least not anymore). I know her through her blog, which I find extremely enjoyable. A few comments on couple of her posts made sure we were no longer strangers. In fact we even referred to each other as soulmates, after some of our gourmet etiquettes were found to be embarassingly similar.
This is not about my new-found blog friend, but about a post written by her. An email from a friend from the past and a phone call to the same friend inspired her to pen the post. Once again I found so much of me in her words, in the post, in the emotions described. My best, strongest, craziest and most intimate friendships are from school and college. I still cherish them, hold them close my heart. I know that even if we haven't had time (or made the effort) to catch up on each other or haven't managed to make it for each other's special days or didn't call up the last time he/she was here in town...nothing will change. One phone call, one meeting is all it takes to bring back the same emotions, same joy, same fondness that we shared years ago.

We still find ourselves welcoming each other with a thumping back-slap or hi-fi or the 'beep' words and soon we are rattling off about the good times: the inter-house culturals, the Holi celebrations which had us suspended, the sip-ups and ice-sticks from the canteen, the combined study sessions, movie outings, birthday treats, affairs (some survived, some died a sad death while some celebrated the end), teachers, gossip, exercusions and so much more. School, college and its memories fill the conversations, leaving no space or time for anything else.
We have a hearty laugh at the many fights, arguments we had over things that now seem silly, rag each other about the stupidities we've done, regretted over fights that cost us our friendship, and then laughed and laughed over our old photographs--the dance costumes, the farewell parties, the fashion shows, the Onam/Christmas celebrations, Union elections...
I could pick one friend after another and go on about the wonderful moments we shared. The infamous gangs we had in school, college and even today in our lives. Somewhere along we became professionals and met more people, made new friends, lived great times, shared laughter, tears (and bottles of Bacardi Breezers and Vodkas). Sometimes we sense a feeling of oneness after barely a hello or sometimes even without it. In my last organisation, I had developed a feeling of familiarity and friendship with my neighbour-colleague even before I met her. She was on her maternity leave while I joined. From day one, I had people telling me how similar I was to Her: my loud laughter, one-track mind that often steered to the dirty track, my wild manners, don't care sense of dressing, and guess what we both are Leos, both our husbands are Scorpios. By the time she was back to work (almost 4 months after I joined) we were already buddies. From neighbours at office, we soon became neighbours outside office too. I believe it's just a feeling that hits off a relationship. I am happy about every one of them I have and I love each of them.
Cheers to the many people who've made my life special in their own ways with their kisses and kicks. Thanks to Anne, my blogger friend, for taking me down this trip.
Any interesting/funny/emotional friendship tales to share? 

P.S: I have not mentioned any names for there are too many people who have taken over my heart, mind and soul. Someday I'll do a series on each of you. For now...luvya, missya..muahhh.

Just so that I don't forget what I originally wanted to write on, am leaving a hint hint here 'Concern Vs Curiosity'.

A peep into the Ps of life

Possessiveness is not something I enjoy (doing or being a victim of). Be it with friends, partners, family...the 'oh you don't have time for me'/ 'you visited her but couldn't give me a call'/ 'you went out with them and didn't call me' types of conversations are an absolute No-No. Come to me with such woes and cribs and chances are that you'll see a red-faced me at my nastiest worst...and I'll shoo you away in the meanest possible way.
P for Passion, P for Possessiveness. Some people do it both...try to possess you with a passion that soon turns into P for Pain. I've had my moments. Don't know if its got to do with the city I call home. Kochi/Cochin is where I have lived almost all my life (and still do...). Kerala was never known to be the yo-flavoured modern city. In my school times, which I realise is almost two decades ago, there were unsaid rules. Travelling on bikes with guys, eating out with boys, movies with boys or for that matter anything where girls and boys came together wasn't viewed with much pleasure. People, my dear ones included, too were stuck-up on this. Fortunately for me, my parents weren't too caught up in these moral policing groups. But my mom being who she is (sweet, sensitive and quite submissive) did fear society (or more specifically some people in society). I remember her telling me: "If you're going to be dropped by any of your male friends, then make sure you get off at the start of the road and not here in front of the house". I found it quite strange coz I thought hopping off a few blocks away from home would have people talking...but mom didn't care about them. She only cared about a certain neighbour, who was also a very good friend of hers. As long as he daughter (Me) never got into the black book of neighbour aunty (NA), my mom was relieved. For NA could be quite nasty with her remarks and amma's not the kind who could speak up for her daughter and shut their mouths. Safer option was to not let NA get started.
But amma did not have it too easy...especially with a crazy daughter like me. NA did get her chances. Once for my b'day a good friend (he's one crazy guy. A charmer with girls...and is still working his charms, but only one at a time now. He's a darling and we've lasted this long...) came over with my gift and card. We weren't home and he decided to leave it with Madam NA. Being an admirer of all things good, he very sweetly described me as Miss Thunder Thighs. The shock waves it sent through NA. The moment we got back, she summoned my mom, showed her the card and sat her down to a good hour-long lecture on how her daughter should be kept away from such company. Such boys are not to be trusted...etc..etc.... I am amazed my mom garnered the strength to sit through it all without breaking into tears. NA concludes by saying: "She's like daughter to me and that's why I show so much concern".  Oh no.. not again. I am happy with just one Mother.
******************

Relationships, the romantic ones, haven't been easier either. I am known to have a bad taste in men. At least that's what most of my male friends tell me. I refuse to agree. Every relationship was beautiful (until it ended)...and my man was like Prince Charming (until the charm faded away). I regret none and I am happy I went through them. The 'P' factor popped up in many, though. I, for one, had more boy friends than girls. I had my girly gang, who I still swear by. But it's the guys I found easy to get along. But I guess they liked a friend like me, but not a partner like me. The friend could be carefree, spirited, independent, loud, crazy, humorous, enjoy the dirty talking, etc but the partner/wife had to be sweet, pretty, shy, and of course put his likes above hers.
I've gone through my shares of 'What were you talking to him so late into the night?'/ 'Why did he have to drop you?'/ 'Why do you want to go for dinner with him, why not lunch?'. And even more ridiculously stupid questions. The answer to almost all of these were fights, arguments, flaring tempers, nights of crying. A day later all would be solved with a sorry, a few tears and a few mushy 'You know I love you a lot. Just that sometimes I get very possessive' lines. All is well...until the next fight.
*************
Is it only a guy thing? Or are girls equally possessive too? I am a hopelessly sensitive girl, who cries watching Kuch Kuch Hota Hai even today. It's quite a contrast to the rest of me, coz I like to be this independent girl who makes her own decisions, does her own thing, lives by her own rules. The bending of rules, if any, happens out of my own will for people who I hold close and dear. Possessiveness hasn't found space in my mind yet. It may slowly be creeping now when it comes to my son. At times when my mother-in-law refers to herself as 'amma' while talking to my son and urges him to call her so, it does get to me. I wouldn't want to share that responsibility or title with anyone. For everything else...so far am bindaas!

That day...that year...

A peep into the past is a refresher for me. I often wonder if I'm still stuck somewhere in the 1990s or early 2000. A picture, a person, a place, a movie, an incident, an advertisement...so many things that instantaneously transports me to the past: to a memory, to a person, to a relationship, to a day, to a celebration. Today, it was a chat box that blinked to tell me that a special someone from my past is available (well only for a chat through that lil window, sadly). I, without a thought, click open a chat box and key in the customary 'Hey wassup. U thr?'. Not for a second wondering if he would be with his boss working on a presentation, or discussing projects with a client, or be playing online games with his lil daughter or checking out family albums with his wife.
As luck would have it, he wasn't doing any of these. Well I don't think so. Coz he promptly replied, a rather enthusiastic one (inferred from the many emoticons on display). Before we knew it, we were back to 'that' day in Chennai around 10 years ago, rewinding the events and wondering why the day ended the way it did. Why did we act the way we did (dumb, pretentious) or why we didn't do it the way we should have (honest, fearless). Turning back in time and wishing for it to change doesn't work, it only helps you have a hearty laugh over those days or sometimes leave you sighing over things that you wished you had done differently.
Here we were chatting after many many years. The long absence--in sight and in sound--of many years never surfaced in our conversation. Our relationship remained just as fresh, sweet, enjoyable and entertaining as it was. We were just as crazy, as wacky, as naughty, as intimate as we were when we last met. This happens only in some relations, only in some friendships.
The years, and the change in roles (he's a husband and a father now. I'm a wife and mommy too) somehow allowed us the space and freedom to be more open and frank with each other. We shared things we secretly wished to share a decade ago, we asked each other questions we wanted answers for many many years ago; I found myself opening up a little too much than I normally would. It's always a pleasure to bare your soul to people who have a patient ear, a sensitive mind and a loving heart.
We hope to meet up sometime, hopefully in Chennai itself, refresh our friendship and maybe relive 'that' day the way we wanted it to play out. Somewhere amidst the talk, the chat window told me he's gone 'offline'. He disappeared...suddenly..without a g'bye. Here I was, still stuck in 'that' day of that year. Maybe I'll catch him blinking a green 'available' sign sometime soon.

Chaddi tales....

"Remember the time when you would run out of the house in your chaddis and head straight to the neighbour aunty's living room, cry for biscuits and cakes, down a whole packet, pull at their curtains, mess up the place...and worst pee on their sofa!"

How many of you have had to sit through such conversations about yourself when you were in your 20s, and had your girlfriend and her parents over for dinner? Just when the guests were all seated and everyone was trying to be casual and comfortable with each other, break the ice of embarrassment/formality...your uncle or aunt (in most cases), or sometimes your own parents decide to ease the environment with your childhood doings. The first chaddi-story is out and everyone is in splits and just when you have recovered from the shocker comes a contribution from another aunt and so it goes on and on. All the navarasas flash on your face, as your cringe, squirm and just wanna vanish from the room. There you are dressed in your smartest, behaving every bit the gentleman you're to-be father-in-law would want you to be and also trying to be the sweet boy your mom-in-law would fall in love with. But all that remains in their mind is a lil boy wearing chaddi or maybe nothing at all...and his umpteen crazy doings.
I am, till date, reminded of the time when my mom or aunts would buy me those lacy, white baby panties only to find out they don't fit me coz I was a baby JLo. Or the hilariously embarrassing ways in which I pronounced certain words (which I can't put down here since no vulgar content is allowed in here). And many more stories. I'd rather be buried alive than have them repeated here or anywhere. But there's no escaping it...toddler tales haunt you almost until your grave.
I remember an incident which involved a former colleague (who'll be referred to as V--for victim) and an elderly aunt (who appropriately will be called S--the saddist). When V and S met at our office (our news desk room), V greeted S with a warm smile and reminded her that they were old family friends and even relatives. A slow rewind into a few reels of the past and the aunt S's face lighted up: "Oh yes, you're V, isn't it? Gosh you're a big girl now (I wonder how that happened). I remember you as a lil girl running around in white lacy panties." OUCH. OUCH. Suddenly, my male colleagues had stopped their 'nose for news' job and was eying V with a 'Really...you never mentioned it to us' look. Am sure they even tried visualising V in that lacy avatar. The aunt went on and on with more of her child hood horrors and she just wanted to black out.
Would I grow up to do the same to my son too? When he brings home his girlfriend or maybe boss, would I start my conversation with 'Oh, by the way did you know he would stand on the balcony, pee in his shorts and then dance on it splashing it all over!'. Ummmm....maybe not. Hopefully I'll be sane enough to keep his childhood where it is best stored--in my heart. Hopefully he'll give me many more moment of pride and pleasure later in his growing up days which I could flaunt without embarrassing him.

Winding my way through words...a lil lost still

THEN
Me: Chatty, friendly, loud, funny (though I prefer to use humorous), expressive (love the hugs, kisses and beware of the anger and abuses), adventurous, girl in love with books, music and badminton, enjoys writing and often lauded for her writings, love to speak and equally patient listener, enjoys long conversation over coffee and snacks, a friend for all seasons. 
This is ME.....a decade ago.
NOW
Me: Wife, mother, dutiful to her roles but neglects her inner soul, irritated, more frowns than laughter, more tears than cheers, busy trying to strike a rhythm in her life that she misses the good ol music, a rather boring self, living to regret yesterdays and forgetting to enjoy the todays...and depressingly detached from books and frustratingly fighting with her writing skills.

It's not a 'poor me' post, it's more a 'I need a kick-on-my-ass' writing. It's been more than two years since I entered the 'unemployed' category. Part of it was substituted with the 'freelance/work from home' tag which at least saved me from the 'wasting herself' group. I did enjoy the initial months..there was regular work, regular money (though not much). Then my baby came, I was busy playing mommy and enjoying it too. Somewhere along, the professional in me felt neglected, I guess. She felt a loner, unwanted and ignored by all. For today, when I try to befriend her, cajole her back into life, she resists....and strongly too!
I tell myself 'I wanna get back to work', I wanna be productive (not by just bearing a child), wanna use my skills (besides the ones I use in the kitchen/bedroom). Fortunately there have been wonderful friends who've helped me cope with this frustration and help me get back on track. But every time I vowed to give it my all, my home would mess up with one problem or the other...either a maid, or an overly busy partner, or a super-cranky son...and more and more.
Amidst all this a stubborn professional in me who refuses to come out of hiding. All the projects I have worked on in the recent months have been last-minute rushes, simply because the writer in me continues to be in hibernation. I am in front of the computer almost all day, excepting meal times and play times with my son. I struggle with an opening, then scribble some random lines, delete them, cry over my helplessness, read through some of my earlier writings or blogs (mine and others), get back to work....if am lucky get a little work done and then it's back to feeling hollow.
It's not that I have been asked to find ways to meet the ever-increasing alcohol demands of Kerala, or do a post-mortem on the Taj attack in Mumbai or write why the Congress and the Bachchans are warring. The topics I have are simple, refreshing, green and soothing. And yes very close to home, too. Something about me fails to get excited or inspired about it. A dear friend out there is at the receiving end of my (definitely not complacency) fight with the inner self. Funnily enough, just today I read the same friend say 'we should love/enjoy our inner self'.
I strongly believe reading does a lot to your mind and soul...and your heart. I've been away from the books (except for the interior mags which I've taken a sudden liking to) for too long. It's this vaccum that needs to be filled, and that will provide the fuel and inspiration for the inner talent in me. Until then I continue my struggle...word by word...I'll complete by work.