Too much of too many things

I am missing my blog. The times when something would go tring tring in my mind or there'd be something stupid nagging my mind or somebody pisses me off big time and leaves me fuming...., or just those moments when I find myself drawn towards my blog and before I know it, I am either penning down memories, or sharing fun moments, crying over a dear one or just letting out my steam. It's not that my life is calmer now and nothing is nagging my mind.
In fact there has been too much randomness, too much madness, too many temper tantrums, too many surprises (rude ones too) and a whole lot of S*#T. I'll be back once the madness settles down.

Miss you & Thank you time...

In the past couple of days I have opened the blog and stared at the 'New post' page many many times. Sometimes wondering if I should write, at times wondering what I should write, sometimes just happy that this marks by 100th post, sometimes just checking out the font/picture options here. This doesn't happen too often because I no longer blog as a compulsion. I remember the first couple of attempts at blogging when it was more a compulsion to make at least one entry a day, an effort at proving (to God knows whom) that I am a regular blogger. Well that was not to be and the excitement died down rather soon. This time, however, it was different. There was no forced effort. It just happened. Thoughts crept into my mind, frustrations were brewing in there, excitement was waiting to spill out, anger popped its head and at times laughter took charge. My mind and heart was busy cooking a cocktail of emotions and I just had to share it with someone. I love expressing my expressions.
Giving it a little deeper thought I realise, it's loneliness and silence that cemented the bonding with my blog. I can't remember a phase in my life when I've been surrounded by none else than myself. In the past one year I have been my biggest companion. I have had my biggest debates with myself, had the most bitter arguments with my mind, laughed loudest at myself, shared jokes with me, cried like a child with my heart, flirted with myself, shared my secret fantasies and attractions and so much. I am so full of ME.
Living in an apartment rarely allowed me to be myself. I was lucky to find some absolutely crazy, warm, fun-loving and lovable friends. We took community living to such heights.... Every home was just an extension of each other's houses. We'd walk in and walk out of bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchens of any house at any time. Our partners often found their bedroom taken over by the lady-next-door while his wife was busy cooking snacks for the kids-next-door. It was the maddest and best-est days for me. And then one by one, the friends moved on. They bought their own homes--pretty, cosy and beautifully done--and moved in to their own space. Of course I was thrilled for them, love their homes, but I miss them all. There is this feeling of sudden loneliness. My days now begin and end the same way, every day. Partner goes to office, little one either goes to school or plays around for a while, eats, sleeps...and am left with myself following the same routine.
I miss the laughter, the chatter, the loud laughs, the coffee/lime juice that aunty sweetly bought us while we chatted away sharing gossip, jokes, dirty talking. My little one too misses his first friends and his favourite aunts who pampered him, played with him, gifted him lovely things and took care of him whenever I needed help. I miss the yummy dishes that my next-door-aunt brought in almost regularly knowing my love for anything non-vegetarian.
People can leave such a lasting impression on you. I still visit them all whenever I can, speak to them often, but it's not the same as seeing them, spending the day with them and sharing the moments and laughter with them. It's this loneliness and this unwelcome silence that's brought me closer to my blog. Thanks for being there when I need a patient ear, a warm hug, a punching bag, a shoulder to cry on. Thanks to you my blog for taking my emotional outbursts, rude comments, bad temper, crazy fantasies, heart breaks, sob stories, giggles, loud laughters...thanks for tolerating me and allowing me to speak my heart, mind and soul through you.

I miss the maddening crowd. I miss the girly giggles. I am glad I have my 'cuppacoffee' to keep me going.

Barbies Vs Basketball

The Man Vs Woman debate on who is the superior gender has been on for years. We have now reached the 'They are equal' conclusion. Talk on empowering women, educating the girl child, fight against female foeticide, dowry deaths, honour killings, career women and a whole lot of things favouring women/girls are constantly being discussed and debated. I vote for it. I agree women rock! Women are awesome. They are wonderful at multitasking, balancing work-home, and they don't shy from speaking their mind, reacting, rebelling and choosing their path and walking it too.

I am not discussing serious issues of gender equality or women's reservation and its significance or any such thing. My reason for this blog is very simple. It's about babies. I don't think this needs a disclaimer suggesting these words are purely my personal opinion, because my blog is obviously my mind and my thoughts. I am mother to a little boy and I absolutely love him and adore him. In the past 21 months (since I first held the little one) I have so often been told my many--friends, family, acquaintances, near strangers--on how I should go for one more baby, and it comes with an add-on that says, "Don't worry, next time it will definitely be a girl." WHAAAT. When did I ever give them the impression that am brooding over having had a son.
Let me be honest here and admit that I did desire a girl, but like any anxious first-time mommy my secret prayers always wished for a healthy, happy baby. I am blessed with just that. Touch wood! I remember the moment when the doctor took the little life from within me and told me 'It's a boy'....I did feel a prick of disappointment. It lasted a few days (the time I took to turn mother in mind, sould and heart). And then the feeling vanished just the way it came: sudden and unexpected. Since then, not once have I been haunted by that worry. I love my boy and he brings the brightest smile on my face.
This is no boy child vs girl child debate. This is just my response to the many many concerned and loving people out there who keep comforting me saying it's never too late...you can still try for a girl. When you've just had a baby [boy], why bless them saying: 'Congrats and hope you soon have a little girl too'. What's the fuss about.

Yes kidswear brands are partial to little girls--the super cute dresses they bring out for the little dolls. For boys, it's mostly the shorts and t-shirts, with some brands being nice enough to add a little twist to the designs. Yes, girls can be dressed, accessorised...the polka dots, the floral prints, cute bags, pretty hair bands, tiny colourful shoes, ear rings, bangles and what not! For boys, its often just a cap or belt.
Yes girls sound far cuter when they talk, they ask the cutest questions in their sweetest voices and have you cracking up in laughter, while the boys are busy kicking the football or riding their cycle or breaking things. Just one little observation [by me] goes in favour of the little boys--they seem less fussier/crankier than girls.

When it comes to hugs, kisses, loving and making you feel wanted....the boys are just as cute and just as innocent. They hug you for no reason, kiss you to soothe your anger and just makes you feel so special. To all you moms out there who feel you're family's incomplete without a little doll or who feel you've been denied the joy & love of a little girl or who feel boys means trouble and torture....this one's for you.

Playing football with my little macho is just as much fun as dressing up Barbie. Hearing him cheer for a goal or go clap clap for a sixer is just as exciting as watching a little girl do up her doll house. Watching my little boy dance and sing to his own steps and tunes is my ultimate entertainment, and I feel so special when he drags me to join in the dance. Kids are adorable, they are addictive, they are amazing: be it boy or girl. Love them and they'll love you just as much or even more.

This is my little brat....and I soooo love him. Muahhh my munchkin!

Girls, I miss you

This post is dedicated to two dear friends who shall be referred to as N and T in the blog. N is now in Bangalore married to her childhood sweetheart and mother to an adorable little girl. T is now in the US, married to a handsome man and mommy to two darling children--a boy and a little princess. Why pick them from among my huge friends group. Are they dearer to me than the many others, or have I known them longer than others, or have they been my shoulder-to-cry-on. It's nothing too emotional, actually. Some things, some pictures, some conversations, some reads take you back in time (Yes I haven't fully recovered from the Past-Forward syndrome) to old schools, old faces, old friends, old memories. Memories: some are faded and slightly forgotten, some others are fresh and forever.
N and T are part of my fresh & forever memories. Friends from school--we have been together a long long time-- we have shared some hilarious, heartening, heartbreaking and crazy times together. The group had more members, some with whom am still in touch, some others who have disappeared. We have done the crazy, the weird, the unthinkables...have been other's support, strength, agony aunt, punching bag...wept together over lost loves, laughed & celebrated birthdays, loves and many special moments.
Fifteen years later we still cherish the friendship, though we don't get time to catch up as often as we'd like to. I can't remember the last time three of us got together. I haven't even seen some of the kids. But we know we still care, we still enjoy the company, we still love to hear from each other, we long to see pictures of each other's family, our faces break into a smile when we find one another online, we would love to meet up and relive some of the mad fun of past years.

The birthday treats, the shopping sessions, the movie outings, the school days, the college times, the scooter rides, the stay-overs, the secret adventures, the secret crushes we shared...and so much more. Cheers to our friendship! I love the times and I soooo miss you girls.

PS: Dear N & T... you know who you are, right!

Q&A on the years gone by(e)....

Is thirty a good time for introspection? Not quite if you go by the new-age theory that 40 is the new 20. It's not yet mid-life or even  the rebellion teenage then. But the mind seems to differ and is seeking a few answers to some 'heavily loaded' questions. I have always amused at how our mind starts its day. At times it's so in peace with itself and just blends into our plans-for-the-day, at times it wakes up angry and fuming and sets the temper tone at its highest, at times it's infectiously funny and keeps us smiling and happy all day, then there are days when the mind's on a holiday--you hardly know it's there-- and you end up doing mindless stuff. Oh and then there are those days when the mind wakes up with 'loaded questions'. Today's one such morning where my mind's hit by the Past-Forward Syndrome: a look back at the past, the way it's turned out and a look ahead at the future and the way it should be shaped.
Taking the time machine-ride to revisit the past years, the mind has popped up this question: So what have I achieved in these years? The heart replies: Is life about achievements? Life is about living, learning, experiencing, enjoying. Mind ponders over it, not quite convinced and decides to still do a postmortem of the years lived. Where do I start? Taking stock of the good-bad, haves-have nots, yes-no, smiles-tears, faces-places, dreams-nightmares...not an easy task. It's just a quick flashback to find a few answers: What have I achieved? Have I lived life good enough? Do I want to live my future differently? 

What have I achieved?

If achieving something is the purpose of life, well, I am not fully empty. Achievements don't just mean certificates or trophies or awards. My first day at school, my first friend, learning to ride the cycle, my first painting (that had a blue sun and yellow sky), the day my first attempt at gardening bloomed into a pretty pink rose, my first omlette, my first lone bus trip, my first time on stage...and so many more 'first times' that I so cherish and pat myself about.

Have I lived life good enough?

Good enough is a tricky phrase. Maybe I want to ask myself if I have been more happy than sad about the way I have lived my life. There are things that I have done to make myself happy. There are things I have done to make others happy. When weigh the two I think I've been a little partial to others' happiness. I say this because my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die List is still quite long with some longtime desires put 'On Hold' either because mom didn't approve of it or because a friend wanted it first or because a dear one doesn't seem too thrilled about it, and some because I have not managed to find the time, the money and the courage.
There are also the many things that I wished I had done differently.
No 1: Taking Commerce for my Bachelors. I am skipping the 'why I did it' story.
No 2: Not mastering the skill of driving through the traffic maze. I successfully got my license at the age of 20 but ten years later I have now once again joined a driving school to relearn the skill.
No 3: Not experimenting enough with my hair. I would like to think it's still not too late, but my hair says a different story. It's bored of sticking on to my scalp and plucks itself off and clings on to my hairbrush. Then it lives a free life, flying from one room to another and then to the waste-bin from where it travels to another new world.
No 4: Not sharing enough laughter with my mom. This is one thing am now trying to make up but once again stressed for time and laughter moments.
No 5: I claim to be in love with the waters, but the last time I took a swim was ten years ago. What's my reason for it, especially when I have a pool barely 5 minutes from my home! I hope to get back into the water, praying I find my breath and not go drowning down.

No 6: Falling prey to fashion trends and ending up looking like a clown. The pictures in my album could scare any sane being: the hair styles, the clothes, the make-up. Ugghhhh...Eeekkss... Am smarter now.
No 7: Stopping with three pricks on my ears. Did a fourth one but took it off after a few months. How I wish I had more. Now can't find the courage to go through the pain and trouble yet again.
No 8: Saying it as it is, is not something I often did. At times I was honest but on most others I failed to speak my heart. Lost friends, lost loves because of this.
No 9: My Music class. Never took it seriously and never understand the beauty of it while learning it, and today I regret it. How I wish I had continued it.
No 10: Allowing my grandmother to hug me more often and kiss me whenever she wanted to. I thought I was a big girl and too old for such sweet gestures of love. Today I hug her for no reason. Love you.

Do I want to live my future differently?

I don't try and learn lessons from each phase in life. I just let it pass and then maybe later cry over it or laugh about it. But yes, a small decision--where my mind and heart are in unison--is that I will try and love myself a little more. I will pamper myself a little more. I will listen to my heart more often. I will give myself some time to live its desires and dreams. It's never too late to start loving yourself. I will try and fulfill at least some things on the 'To-Do' list. I will love more, laugh more, live more.