March 15, 2009

Love you little angel

When I am ill, God save anyone who tries to strike a conversation with me. I can be an absolute demon. Now, when my lil one's unwell (he's down with viral fever), I feel guilty. Why....I don't know. Maybe I didnt take care of him well enough, or maybe I got irritated with his cry when he was actually just trying to tell me he's ill.... I started questioning my abilities as a mother. 
We had a party last night...more like a friends' ganging-up excuse at my present neighbour's new apartment (a lovely breezy place by the water). I was all geared up to take Ayush along coz half his day is spend with this neighbour. So much so that I think Ayush still doesn't know which is his own place, and which is the next-door flat! But fever struck and I was forced to leave him at home. Here again I didnt give up my plan of partying....another guilt prick. 
I left him with my parents....and while he clung on to my mom, with his droopy eyes n burning forehead...I said a quick g'bye and left to swing to the music. Soon I realised it's hard to disconnect my mind totally from Ayush. A few dances and plates-ful of snacks later, I decided I better leave. It was a strange relief I had when I got back home and found him sleeping peacefully holding my dad's wrist tightly. There was no regret at having left early. The only worry was that another friend, with whom we had gone, left early to drop us back. We would have managed but.....
I always worried that Ayush would change our lives drastically...I would lose out on 'me-time' and also 'our-time' with hubby and the 'together-time' with friends. In reality, it's me who's cutting down on all these luxuries and clinging onto my baby. 
Love you baby....and get back to your twinkling self soon hon. 

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