Thank You, Welcome

A little more than 24 hours marks the end of year 2009. The fireworks and lights at midnight of Dec 31 marks the start of 2010. How in the fun of welcoming the NEW YEAR, we often forget the year bygone. The 12 months, 365 days, which gave us reasons to smile, to celebrate, to succeed, to rejoice, to cry, to cherish. Days to be grateful for, friends to be thankful for. And with good wine, great food and colorful fireworks we leave those days behind. We are in the spirit of ushering in the New Year. A year we don't yet know, a year of more uncertainty, a year of surprises maybe, or shocks even! But we still come together to welcome 2010, with not a word or thought for the months gone by. Since Christmas, I have been looking forward to joining the celebration of New Year. I did a quick stock-taking of this year and I was left with more tears than smiles. For some reason I decided to brand it the 'unlucky' year. Of course there were moments of non-stop laughter, reasons to celebrate, days of absolute bliss....but somehow it seems like every smile was topped with a layer of grim. But I am glad I lived it, I experienced it, 'coz it taught me new lessons, new realities. It taught me to be my own strength, to have faith in one's self, taught me the importance of loving selflessly. I don't know if I have learnt these lessons well enough to make it part of my routine. I hope so. Today, I wish I had lived the days to its best...wish I had enjoyed the moments in its every sense, wish I had lived a FULLER year. This is exactly what I hope to do in the coming year and the years ahead. Live The Moment To Its Fullest. I am not making plans or resolutions. I'll go with the flow, and accept every surprise, every hurdle, every high, every low that comes my way. Today, I am WISER. I know my faults, I accept it. I know others have faults, I accept it too. That makes life much easier and happier. There are things I want to. Things I had put away out of sheer laziness. Am not making a To-do list 'coz I already have piles of pending ones. When I finally do it, I'll write a 'thank you note' to myself and my inner self. Today, I am HOPEFUL. Hopeful for myself and people around me. Hopeful that I play my role of mother, wife, daughter, friend, professional and the many other relations, with full honesty and happiness. It's the little things that pave way for bigger joys. A smile, a hug, a thank you, a sorry, or just being there makes a DIFFERENCE. Cheers to a New Beginning, a Happier Start, a More Meaningful Life.

Toc-H days relived!

What an evening it was! I confess: I was reluctant to go. First because my son and husband were home and secondly 'coz not many from my batch were going to be there. Where? Homecoming 2009, alumni meet of the Toc-H School, a place where I learnt the ABCs of life, a place where I made friends for life, a place where I was encouraged to pursue my talents, a place which taught me confidence, ambition, and lessons of life. Toc-H...a place that gifted me some of the best memories and best friends ever. We were a batch of great friends who enjoyed each other's company. That was almost 15 years ago. Today, each one is busy in his/her own life, have made new companions, visited many new institutions, and have moved on from the Ice-sticks and sip-ups of school days. It's been more than a decade since we bid farewell to our institution, and many of us have not visited the place since then. But even today, after all these years and after having seen and experienced bigger, better and more luxurious places and events, Toc-H still brings back the same spirit and smile on our faces. A walk through the corridors of the school, a stroll through its ground evokes many a memories. At every corner we see the big black board that displays the 'The Thought for the Week'....a board that taught us that 'Time and Tide waits for No Man', 'An idle mind is a devil's workshop' or 'Success is 99 perspiration and 1% inspiration'. Lessons that stood us good in our journey of life...lessons that still remain etched in the back of our minds and which often influence our every day actions. The long corridors where we spent moments enjoying laughs with our friends, picking up silly fights and stealing glances at our 'special someones'. The place where we punished to kneel down when our mischief got too much for the teachers to handle. The corridors...where we cheered our houses during Sports Day. 'Soda, lemon, ginger pop, we have White Sapphire on the Top' and so went the cheering squad. The little corners and the back benches, which were the haunts of the 'love birds', some of whom are today man and wife. Many love stories that ended in wedded bliss, many that changed with changing classes and some that met a sad end. Our auditorium: the stage that nurtured our talents. Dance, music, instruments, skits...the stage that's see the best, the funniest and the most talented. We cheered and clapped, and sometimes booed and hooted. Every moment was fun, and every moment we miss today. The assembly, the PT class, the SUPW period... so much comes trickling back into my memory. It's amazing how Toc-H has left such a deep impression in our minds and hearts. We may never realise it until we revisit those days, like some of us did last evening (Dec 27, 2009). The auditorium was packed with children (we all become children when we return to school). Sadly, from our batch only a few could make it...but the few of us had a great time. As we caught up on old times, our voices were oozing with excitement. It was an evening of fun, music, dance, memories of the good times. We salute the OSAT team for putting up such a wonderful show and rekindling the child in us. For making us realise the worth of what we experienced, for allowing us to relive our best days, for bringing us closer to our memories, for taking us on this journey back in time...treading the path we left behind years ago...meeting those teachers who made us what we are. We thank you for allowing us to be in the company of some of our best friends, for giving us this evening to laugh like never before. Thank you for making us realise life is not just about degrees, pay packages and long hours at the work desk. Life is also about friendship, laughter, tears, moments of togetherness and moments of being YOU. As we bid farewell last night, we promised to find time to keep in touch, to keep these days alive, and to meet as often as we can. Toc-H, we miss you.

Welcoming Uncle Santa

Jingle Bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.... Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh... And oh, what fun it is. It's Christmas eve. I am not in one of those countries where the spirit of Christmas can be seen in every home, every street, every shop and every person. It's winter time, and it's often a White Christmas dotted with decors that come in reds, greens, blues and golds. I am in a tiny state (by area) in a small country (only by area again), where Christmas is more a holiday than a celebration. I am not born into a Christian-faith family. I have never attended a Christmas mass. So what. I enjoy Christmas in its true sense, and I celebrate the spirit of Christmas the way I can. Now with a toddler son... I try to imbibe the values and spirit of the season to my son. He's too young to understand the concept pf Santa Claus but he sure is enjoying the cakes and the decorations :). Say Merry Christmas or Feliz Nevidad...the spirit of X'mas is the same across countries, across faiths.

And you call them little....

Had a fun weekend. It started on a not-so-fun note..with me single-handedly trying to pacify a cranky child, who pretended like he hadn't seen the human species since his birth. A good night's sleep, however, had him wake up fresher, happier. Lovely room, great ambience, a nice pool, and the company of ol' friends were the highs. Jokes from the past, newer ones, arguments, chit-chats...more holiday plans, guys v/s girls..and lot more. The lows were many too: exorbitantly priced room and food, tasteless menu with no signs of variety, hot, humid weather, a bunch of mischievous kids, and too little time. Amidst the lows, we managed to make the most of the highs. Exhausted by the end of it, we mothers swore not to do another trip until these little ones are big enough to take care of themselves and behave like more civilised lot rather than a bunch who just landed from the Moon and is finding thrill in exploring every bit of the new world. Pulling at the table lamps, accessories, tugging at the bath towels, showers, etc, doing their bit at landscaping the room and pool, enjoying a meal by themselves (which means spreading the items onto the table and floor, making sure more goes onto the floor than into their mouth, screaming and howling at any attempt to make things easier for them, etc). Whew!! Just mentioning it tires me...but these kids are still up and active and ready for more. As much as I hate to see my child competing for the Mr.Cranky crown and doing a great job of taking out his 'worst behaviour', I am still game for more holidays...more time with friends...more conversation..more wining and dining.

Enjoying my company

Being lonely is scary. Being alone is fun (at times). I am definitely a people's person. Need to have people, conversation, screams, giggles...around me. But at time one needs to be with one's self too..listen to my voice, laugh at myself, argue with myself. It's interesting, as I discovered. Since early morn until now I have not seen many faces, except for a little time with my neighbour, who is almost an extension of my personality and routine now! It was a nice day. I still laughed a lot, heard good music, ate interesting breakfast, (for lunch I gate-crashed into my extended home a floor down), and most importantly completed a chunk of work. Not bad at all. I didn't miss my husband, who's out of town on work, and (without trying to sound insensitive) I must admit I did not miss having my lil mischief-maker around. Yes I did call up my mom (with whom he's been since last night) and enquired about him. It's been a full 24 hours since I saw him, in spite of being less than 2 km away from him. Should I feel guilty about it? Well, am not. I don't know why I'm trying to sound defensive and why am trying to justify my act and feeling. It could be b'coz some people refer to this as "Oh, you've dumped your son at your mother's place?" Well for one I didn't dump him there; I left him with them not to shirk away from the responsibility of a mother. I know that he enjoys being there, loves chasing cats there, enjoys running through the park, likes to go for a walk with my dad, and most importantly just adores the lizards he spots outside on the verandah. Why shouldn't I allow him to have a carefree day, spend time in the outdoors (we live on the 9th floor of a building with no green space or play area) and enjoy the pampering of his grandparents. I am not guilty of insensitivity. My day with myself has come to an end....and am going to join my son.

Making a mockery of miseries

How many of us mechanically and promptly click 'Delete' the minute we see a new email that begins with FWD:. Very often we don't even bother to read the subject line. Many of us, however, find joy (and surprisingly) the time to go through each of these fwds. Be it chain mails that threaten to cause you misfortune if you dare to trash it, or clearly morphed images of people of buildings that is said to be a wonder or miraculous creation, or the more entertaining sardar jokes or blunders, etc. We too quickly add half the names in our address list and spread the Fwd around. At times it hurts to see people being hailed or abused in the name of 'online humour'. Some dismiss it saying: "Hey, it's just a fwd". But is it? I received this fwd yesterday about an actor who had failed marriage. any of us, it's their personal matter and for them to sort out. The fwd was a disgustingly derogatory one, almost amounting to virtual rape. Some may think I am over reacting (so did the person who sent the fwd to me), but I think we could do our bit my at least trashing it from our inbox and not being a carrier of such junk. Humour works when timed rightly and in the right measure. Mocking at a disabled person isn't humour, finding fun in someone's misery isn't harmless entertainment. Recently there was another Fwd doing the rounds: An image of a palatial house that was said to be owned by a prominent political figure of the state. It turns out the house belongs to some other lesser known person, and a magazine has even carried an article on the house owner and the grandeur of the house. The politician made light of it saying "Oh yes, I will visit the house some day, after it's now my home too!" I am all praise for people who use their time and creativity to come out with immensely entertaining laughs, jokes, stories... but equally disgusted with perverts who make mockery of people and their miseries/lives. Of course, such things cannot be regulated. The filtering should happen in the minds of each individual. But once a pervert....always a pervert.

The home decor bug

I am bitten by the 'Home Improvement' and'Better Homes' and 'Good HouseKeeping' bug. I just can't seem to keep my hands and mind off magazines and pictures and thoughts focusing on home decor, pretty DIY tips (though some don't seem so doable yourself) and peeks into homes of the rich and famous, and the smart and thoughtful. It all started almost a year ago with a couple of my friends moving into/designing their new homes. Each one was a stunner in its own way and the ideas had been "Wowing" and "Awwing". I would tell them all...that one day when I have a place I would hire their services. Of course that day is still far away...though I am hoping to move under a new (but far from my ideal) roof sometime next year. Every session in front of the computer is incomplete without at least one google for furniture, kitchen designs, paints, etc. Even right now I have a search window on wicker furniture! Curtains...paints...tiles...all excite me to the point of turning me on. Now comes the time for another dear friend-cum-neighbour to plan the look of her new home. She'll be neighbour no more after another 2-3 months (hopefully they'll get their keys sooner, it's been a long wait). It's sad to think I'll miss someone whose door I could knock or actually just barge into for green chillies or coffee powder or milk or even dinner/lunch. A door that draws my son like a magnet...for he loves the company the lil princess there and loves the pampers of my friend. Not to mention the many accessories, curios, toys and books he loves to mess with. The exciting part, though, is that she's getting a warm, pretty abode of her own. Just watching them scour through shops/magazines/brochures/exhibitions,etc gives me a high. Am always nagging her with queries or suggestions on furniture, fabric, design, decor.... I'm eager to see another house of walls and floors be converted into a home of colour, warmth and love.

The November Miss

November came...and November went by. It's a month of memories for me.. My wedding anniversary, which is also the birthday of two of my closest friends. Some happy, some sad...but a lot did happen in November. But I guess I was too busy with other more mundane things in life that I forgot to enjoy the special days. Why else would I not pen a word in November. December...you're here so fast. Did we actually travel through 11 months so soon..!!!

A slice of every season

It's been a while and my promise to stay committed to my blog was conveniently forgotten for a few weeks. Not that I didn't have much to pen, just that I didn't have the time to give words to my emotions. I was giving words to a whole lot of other emotion-less assignments, while juggling between mundane chores and the never ending search for a maid. I just realise that almost all my posts have some reference to 'maid'. Just goes to show how much of a crucial role they play in my life. This time I have nothing to say about them..rather I choose not to talk about them. I need a break, a break from all things routine, a break from all things boring, I want a HOLIDAY. For the past one week, every friend of mine who's in one of those countries that actually experience the many seasons, have been loading their albums with images of Autumn which I call Autumn Awes coz they r so beautiful. The shades of colours that just flow from one branch to another...some dark, some a shade lighter and some almost colorless. The reds, oranges, greens, pinks, browns, yellows...sit pretty on the trees forming nothing short of a work of art. Another few weeks and the colours give way to the pure WHITE. The snow comes down, covers the greens, the red roofs, the brown driveways. The coats, gloves, scarfs, hats..all come out. I'd love to experience this transformation of seasons but my friends warn me: Winter is anything but exciting. With clocks turned back to save daylight (a concept Indians never had to try), with feet tucked into boots, hands slid into gloves...braving the biting cold is no fun, they say. To me it all seems like a scene out of an English movie and I'd love to be part of this scene at least once. The colours of autumn, a snowman of winter, the budding of spring, the sunshine of summer..somebody gift me a slice of every season!

To forget is a boon...

Karkidakam, one of the Malayalam months (I don't know to explain that) is often considered inauspicious, time for ailments...making it the right time for ayurveda treatments, a month of massive rains (the monsoon misplaced its calendar this year I guess)..and generally a month of misery. Well I was born in karkidakam. Does that make me a miserable being?!? Yeah..so it's a month of everything uneventful and depressing, it is said.

This year forces me to believe it. In less than a month we've been seeing sudden losses of heavily talented and equally humane people. Lohithadas, Rajan P Dev, Murali. It's not their movie star status that makes me mourn their loss. It's not even about the individual here...it's about the sense of vaccuum that each one leaves behind...be it in art, culture, film, theatre or more importantly their homes.

How does one cope with the fact that you're family is one member less, one member who will be missed every moment, at every meal, during every conversation... Or will they? I am always amazed at how life falls back on track after a few days, or in some cases few weeks. Not longer than that. It pricks me somewhere to think that my absence would be forgotten or rather "accepted" so soon by near and dear ones.

Is 30 too early an age to worry about these things? Not if you believe in the uncertainty of life. Motherhood, in some way, has made me more sentimental (a word I detested until sometime ago), more emotional and more scared.

Age of Picassa

Old photos are a sure way to laugh out loud. Top of the list is my parents' wedding album...my mom looking every bit the shy, coy bride and jealously slim and very very pretty. (There's something about b/w photos, just makes one look so ethereal and beautiful). And by her side is my dad (see..am already grinning:) with long hair, curled in at the end, huge think black-framed spectacles and a serious meets shy smile. They made such a cute picture. And the rest of the family...can't exactly find words to describe the attires, looks and appearances. Most of my uncles and aunts look like they've been starved since birth. The fashion mantra: tight shirts with broad sleeves, 2 flaired breast pockets, tighter than the tightest pair of pants, the curls and the specs complete the fashion accessory. For the ladies-- polka dots or loud prints in skirts and saris (mind u...the saris are more transparent than glass), slick oily pony tails or braids put on one side, huge bindis (which I just looooooovvee), danglers (see fashion keeps repeating) and the eye-liners.

My next favourite are my school snaps. Almost 20 years later it still manages to transport me back to the benches of Toc-H. We all look so weird and dumb with our dresses and mannerisms. Some have changed beyond recognition.... These photos are such a treasure.

Now college days, which is more of fun, friends, fashion. The 'gangs' doing crazy stuff, striking funny poses, trying to be cool..etc.. But all was fun and totally crazy. We'd click ourselves at most outings we went and the trips we did...make a fool of ourselves everywhere and let the whole place know that we're here.

Then once we had 'grown up' and 'moved out' to do our own thing...basically work... it was another life. All of us staying together and having a blast whenever we could find time together. The occassional photo shoots would be there....with us in our shabbiest worst or at times dressed for the ramp!

Now, 4 years into marriage and almost a year into motherhood, whenever I want photos my husband tells me: "It's all in the computer." Welcome to the digital age. Sure enough it's much easier and fuss-free to use the digital camera, even gives you the option to work on yourself and adjust the flaws. But hey, a CD or a computer drive doesn't really take me down memory lane. I still need a print in my hand to feel the image. Seeing Ayush smiling at me from the computer is fine, but holding his smile in my hand feels even better. Hey c'mon...when you just wanna rewind to earlier days you can't always run to the comp or the laptop...aren't albums much easier and warmer.

Why am I writing this? I just read in the papers that Kodak has decided to stop manufacture of a certain brand of their film b'coz of low sales. People no longer use rolls, it's all digital. Somewhere even I am contributing to this 'low sales' coz I too use a digital cam. But at least I still believe in keeping prints and maintaing albums...not just picassa but the real albums.. Those that come with a lil girl smiling at you or a bunch of roses on the cover.

Celebrate, don't just calculate

'Be practical' is what I hear day in and day out. Is life all about being practical, being cost-effective and about doing something because that's the best or most practical way of doing it? Where amidst all this does one do something simply for the fun of it, or coz of the passion for it or simply coz one loves it...!!!

Practical, realistic...it's all fine but everyone needs a breather and needs to keep his/her heart and soul ticking. Life's not always about calculations, it's also about celebrations. It's about being crazy, casual, funny, loving and bindaas!

Dress codes and weddings

Weddings always scare me. Be it mine or any other soul. Mine...it was done with 4 years ago and so far it's just been a one-time 'bridely' experience. And you just have to 'be the bride', the rest is all taken care of. Parents don't mind plsurging money on you..clothes...jewellery..etc..etc.., the best beautician is there to dress you up, your friends are around to help you go through it all. Anyways that's done.

Being a guest at weddings is worse. Weddings can me categorised as friends, family and the miscellaneous. Friends's weddings are cool...full of fun and you so look forward to it. You decide what you gonna wear, and you can tell ur mom to please stay outta the 'deciding style n wardrobe' process. But when it comes to family weddings, it's horrible. Even that is divided...my immediate family, my husband's family and so on. My mom comes up with these absurd reasonings for her suggestions. And every wedding we both will be arguing as we leave home and I'll have a huge big frown and she won't be talking to me...and it's the same story almost every time. Me's never been too enthu about (gold) jewellery and never the chain person either. Mom says: "There will be a lot of elderly poeple at the wedding...so do wear a chain." Elderly people and chain....what do they have in common? All this logic goes over my head or most honestly I chose to let it go over my head and ears. Today was one such day and I know there are many more to come.... Oh wedding invites, please ignore my post box and thesedays inbox too.

Beware, the budget's here

Can anyone explain the budget to me pls? Since I started working (as a journo), everytime Budget Day nears I started panicking. How do I handle it? I never quite understand the whole Budget presentation. There were live Budget discussions, interactions and we had to meet industrialists, businessmen, corporate people and get their views. I would be so clueless on what to ask... Once in the print media, I was told that Budget should always be written with a capital 'B'. (Guess it shows the significance of this process....I thought and felt stupid that I was still ignorant about it.)

The nexy morning's papers were my saviours. Most papers would have this 'Cheaper'-'Costlier' column stating what prices have gone up and what's gone down. That gave me a lil idea...enough to be part of budget discussions next day at office or around the family dining table or among friends. Mayb that's how most people got an understanding of the Bible called Budget, but at least they are better at pretending they 'know it all' while I continue to have this 'what the hell's happening' look.

Kya Kambakth film hai!

I haven't been too regular at the movies since my son came by...but I still try and keep myself updated about the releases and its reviews. The name 'Kambakth Ishq' didnt sound too impressive to me and I wasn't particulalry eager to watch it. But New York and Love Aaj Kal topped my list. I still did read the review of KI (tats hows people refer to it on FB). And was I shocked or what?

Akshay's a Hollywood stuntman and Kareena's a surgeon by day and supermodel by night (quite a combo). Our man is every woman's dream and our lady thinks men are not worth the time! (y the exclamation...I don't know).

Our man comes under the knife of our model-surgeon and guess what....she forgets a watch inside his tummy. Mayb it's her way of getting back at the 'male' lot. Whatever! And our lady then tries to seduce mr.bravo so that he doesn't sue her for this extra lil that she did for him. Am already exhausted. How could any sane person think of a story like this...well can't even call it a story. It's good enuf as a bedtime tale to put a lil one to sleep. Hmmm..mayb I shud try it once Ashu's a old enuf for stories. And he'd probably start asking me questions like: "What watch was it, ma?", "So how did he know the time?" etc...

When I did ask a friend who was brave or stupid enuf to watch the film, she said "You can watch it for the kisses...lots of them'. Now how's that for an answer to 'how's the film?'. And then she adds "It's a one-time watch". Can't believe anyone would want to watch such a horrendously stupid movie more than once....even once is quite a brave act!

Am just hoping my hopes of Love Aaj Kal doesn't end in a similarly shockking manner.

On a Chocolaty break

Coffee, Chocolates, Chilly winds, good Company, great Conversation... the many C's that make my life worth living and enjoyable. To give up any of this is quite a task. I did coffee a break for a while...and I thought if I can survive without coffee and I can survive anywhere. Then it was the turn of the gooey, yummy chocolate. Off it went from my menu for a loong looong time...and I survived. Chilly winds are a sometimes-in-a-year luxury...I manage to pull thru the extreme summers too. Now for good company and great conversation....happens once in a while and then it's an absolute Riot. :)

I always wonder...how could anyone not fall in love with the aroma of coffee and not relish the chocolatiness of chocolates. I pity them all...they no not what they're missing in life. Here I am, once again trying to keep my hands off from my chocolatey temptations. Pastries...bar chocolates...miss me. Or will they?

There's always a last time...and this weekend will be my binge break. And then I go on a 'Cocoa break'.

Weekend woes

Do Saturday and Sunday really have 24 hours each? I wonder! Another Friday is here, hinting that the weekend his here again. Of course saturday doesn't really count has a holiday here (the 5-day work routine is a luxury of a chosen few), but saturday is a lazy day. Just when you start wondering what to do this weekend... you have a particularly nagging relative saying they are coming over and need to be picked and dropped and fed... or you get an invite to a wedding or engagment or some random function at a venue at least 3 hours from here... And that fills up the weekend agenda.

This week, so far, seems left to my will and fancy. I have a lot of 'to-do' things in mind but only Monday will tell if the list has now changed to 'still-to-do' things.

Food notes

Eat to live and not live to eat. But at times, I just can't resist. The hunger pangs began with my pregnancy, was with me thru the 9 months, and post delivery and then I kinda got addicted to it. I would just eat and eat, and keep telling myself that 'I'm hungry'. A trip to a jeans outlet gave me a rude shock. My waistline was the largest I've ever had and worse, this brand didnt keep female jeans beyond a certain measure. And of course I was way up their mark!

Shocked and totally devastated I vowed to cut down on my food. I did it, too. People started noticing the difference and I was quite elated with myself. I did do the occassional binges but now looks like binges are becoming routine and controlled diet is a visitor. One new hotel opens and I need to check out the place. For the past 2 nights I've been fulfilling my stomach's urges (or is it all in the mind)!

I have a deadline and a target in mind. No wonder diet, no regular calorie-burning session, no cutting down on sweet and chatpata urges.....but hopefully I'll still get there.

It's me, or is it?

There is no right way or easy way to break the news of someone's death. I feel I have been hearing a little too many 'no more' news in the recent days....or is it that some of them have impacted me more than usual!

Lohithadas dies......and with it ends a class of films (rather stories) that were so human and so raw, they almost breathed life. Thaniyavarthanam is one of the most depressing movies I've seen. So much so that my aunt still refuses to watch films that even remotely deals with mental agony or distress. She hasn't watched even Manichitrathazhu. That's the kind of impact Thaniyavarthanam left on the minds of viewers. With it Malayalam got one of the most gifted story writers. From his mind flowed touching stories like Kireedam, Bharatham, Amaram..... He was a relief to the tired, bored viewer, his stories reminded us that simplicity still exists.

I spoke to him once, last month, for an article. It was such a joy to hear him....words that he used and softness with which he spoke was a rarity. Definitely not something I've heard when I've spoken to people with a celebrity-status. Well, he never considered himself a celebrity, and that's was endeared him to people.

It's always shocking and devastating when lives come to an end with no notice or warning. This was one such incident. I cried too. Why? I don't know. I was always consioered the insensitive one, but now am turning into a little too emotional being. Or did I always have this side to me? Maybe. I hated crying in front of others, I always projected myself as the strong one. Somewhere along I forgot to do things that I wanted to. I ignored the emotional side in me, turned a deaf ear to my heart's wants.

I am very much a today's girl... strong, independent, cool..who loves 'hanging out' with friends, enjoys a drink, roams malls to simply 'kill' time... But there is another me who loves companionship, who loves to be pampered, who enjoys movies and books and loves to simply sit back, enjoy the breeze and rain and warm up to someone I love. There is a me who cries at the siliest of things, who laughs at the stupidest of jokes, who likes to cook for fun, who wants to travel to places that ooze with rawness and freshness...a me who wants to live and celebrate life. And now there's something or someone whispering in my mind, telling me it's not too late. There is a me who wishes to hear stories and that me is deepply hurt at the abrupt end of a soulful story teller's life.

What's your status today?

A lot is being said about the status messages seen on networking sites, esp Facebook (FB). There was even a piece based on it in one of the recent Sunday Express supplements. Is it such a big deal really?

Some people like to share their angst, anger, love or whatever random feeling it is with others, some others just wanna express themselves, some do it for fun... whatever reason be it, it's just a harmless gesture. Or is it?

The death of Michael Jackson was the content of almost all FB status messages yesterday (and even today). Every one was getting creative with their take on MJ, his music and his life. Me too. Though am no HUGE MJ fan, I did feel bad that a part of my childhood memories had ended. MJ was part of my growing up days, his music was fodder for our ears during our school days, his life and his weird acts were part of our chats. And so it may have been for many....

A friend of mine was horribly disgusted with the fact that a friend of his had chosen to refer to MJ as "that paedophile" while commenting on his death. My friend thought it was absolutely inconsiderate and insensitive to have said so, at least, not just hours after his death. Maybe he was right. MJ or whoever it may be, may hold no special place in your heart and you may not really care about him, but we could try and be polite and respectful to the person at least on the day of his death. Don't mourn the loss, but at least don't celebrate it, either. Well...one could argue that we are all entitled to 'freedom of expression'. A right we mostly prefer to misuse than use for just purposes.

Coming back to status messages... I do update my status quite often. It's not even a status, it's sometimes a thought, or an opinion, or observation, or anger at something, or a feeling, or yeah the state of mind at that moment. People can chose to comment on it, ridicule it or simply ignore it. Why make a fuss about it?

What if A is excited about the weekend, or B is missing his loved one, or C wants a kickass holiday.... What do we care... or do we?

No retakes...

When you write if you make a mistake, you erase it and rewrite. It's not so simple in life, though. When you've made a wrong decision, a wrong move, it ain't easy to erase it. Most often, it stays with you for life. At best you can try to better the situation.

Sometimes, some poeple change...and how. You are amazed at how drastically their character has changed and you begin to wonder if he/she's the same person you knew. Days when you could freely share your dreams, your likes, your wants will be a forgotten time. Today...is a different story. Thoughts and dreams run like parallel tracks...each in its own route. It hurts, it's depressing but hard to alter.

Where do you run for solace, where do you find a hand to hold, where do you look for a shoulder to lean? Life....you're one bloody game!

Vanishing memories

Why are memories so difficult to erase, ignore or forget? Some things and some people who you wish would just disappear from your mind and thoughts keep coming back a little too often. Why oh Why!!!

Every day i tell myself: "No, I ain't gonna brood over a love lost or feel bad about a dear friend's indifference or crib about things bygone". And every day I find my mind more and more involved in these very same activities. I was never one known for will power and determination (esp in matters of heart and weight), so my weak mind once again falls prey to memories.

The weight matter, of course, is growing and growing. Just when I decided to start walking, the rains came...oh i've said this before! Yeah so where was I: my mind and its inability to forget.

Now am already upset over the departure of a dear friend or my twin or watever I can call him. Another week and off he goes....to another country in another continent and then he too will become part of my every thoughts.

Bad Day Blues

I woke up the other day and within minutes i said to myself "I've woken up to a bad day". Well...how does one know the day's gonna be a dampener..what classifies as a 'bad day'. I just felt so and guess the feeling just grows on you. Coz the minute by maid walked in, she looked at me and asked "Aren't you feeling well? You look unwell." Ah. see I told you it was a bad day. Then i was off for some emergency grocery shopping, bumped into my neighbour at the lift and she soon asked: "Hey what happened babe. You look so dull!". There you are.... it is indeed a bad day and my feeling's just growing stronger.

And so it was. Everything went wrong. Had an unannounced guest, my son was cranky, husband was not in his best of moods and there was me who was just waiting to be bugged. Whew!!!

Finally evening came and there as some excitement coz I was going for the Colonial Cousins programme. I was quite sure tats gonna be a disappointment too. No ways!!! It was an absolute rocker. Those guys-- Hariharan and Leslie-- their energy levels are just awesome, envious i shud say.

Two hours of fun, music and excitement was a relief. Back home the 'bad day blues' were back. Off i went to bed hoping the sun would rise to a brighter day the next morning.

But I still wonder what makes the 'bad day'. Well...good day to all!!!

World Cup blues

A clean sweep for the Indian team (or Men in Blue) at the T20 World Cup. A 3-0 defeat and the first T20 World Champions are out. Am thrilled.... Some may call me a saddist, some may call me cruel...but am loving it. And the reactions have already started. Former players coming down heavily on Mr Lucky Man Dhoni, fans screaming foul, burning effigies of the captain and what not.

Well...what else would you expect from a country and people who went to another extreme in welcoming this very same team when they returned as champions last year. Almost the whole of Mumbai came to a halt, courtesy a procession taken out for the heroes (yeah rite they had just won a war for humanity's cause!). An open bus, decked up with flowers crawling through the roads that were suffocated by people screaming praises and raising placards hailing Dhoni and his boys.

Tipped as the favourites for this World Cup and the team that's best prepared for the WC, the boys in blue seemed to be affected by winning blues and out they came crashing losing all their games. Reasons are plenty, Dhoni's poor captaining, Sehwag's absence, Yuvraj being dropped down the order...and so the newspapers go on and on and on.

At least for a while the sports pages will have more to talk about that just cricket and cricketers will have other things to do than play the WC. Didn't we see the out-of-action Sreesanth walking the green carpet at IIFA!

Press the panic button

'Procrastination is the thief of time': so i was taught in my primary class. I have even spoke on this during our school assembly, representing my house (Blue Diamond). But in all these years I haven't been able to practise it. Till date I can't resist the temptation of postponing things and finally completing it in a mad rush just in the nick of time. Somehow I convince myself that my best comes out in times of hurry. I tell myself that ideas pour in when time runs out. And somehow I have managed to escape without much errors or complaints, so far. Would I have been able to do a better job if I had given it a little more time or thought? Well, I wouldn't know coz I have never given myself a chance to know.

Today, or should I say tonite (it's already past 9 p.m) is yet another time when I have pushed things so late that now am in that 'oh-so-familiar-state-of-panic'. This time, I am not certain if i will get away with it, though I'll try my best. My son's not keeping too well, he's at his crankiest worst and I don't get more than 15 mts at a stretch in front of the comp. My husband's out of town, my parents are here....and the house, in general, is in an absolute mess. And I am running late on my deadline. Wow!!! Am I thrilled or what!

Even in the midst of all this, I have the nerve to spend time sharing my thoughts or rather my irresponsibilities on my blog. I have played a stupid game called 'Pathwords' at least 25 times today, trying to beat my friends. And I have still managed to come only 3rd....guess I still have to travel a while on the path of words.

Hoping once again that this would be the last time I prolong or delay things for my own fancy. Time...here I am come...wait for me.

Black Monday

Today was supposed to be a day of hartal for most districts in Kerala. And just when people started rejoicing at the thought of one extra holiday....the oh-so-concerned party leadership directed its leaders to change the hartal into a black day. The reason being that 'public shouldn't be troubled'. Wow!!! How fortunate we are to have such responsible, duty-bound and concerned leaders ruling us.

As the day passes, we'll know how many stones have been pelted, how many people have been manhandled and how many demonstrations have been held. The schools, however, have decided to play it safe and have declared a holiday. Why? Because they fear for the kids' safety.

It's quite funny to see that the very same government that have, in the past, held successful hartals are today showing an interest in public and their convenience. Yes, the sarcasm is very evident in my words....but hey the leaders aren't giving you or me a chance to think otherwise and be hopeful.

A new set of leaders (and a few old hands too) have taken up roles at the centre for the next five years. All we can do is 'wait and watch'.

Fear of the first

First impression is the best impression...is the common notion. I, however, feel the first impression or first interaction comes with a tinge of anxiety, consciousness, nervousness and expectation. It's not easy to be one's self...to be casual...to just be 'you'. There is the weight of 'what will he/she/they think of me', 'can i create the right impact', 'will my nervousness show'..etc... worries and these often dominate the meeting.

Am just beginning to wonder if I just went through the same. Did the nervousness take over the comfort level, did self-sconsciouness take over the casualness, did the anxiety take over the smoothness... Too late to change things anyways. If there was another 'first time' I would do it differently.

Some words left unsaid....some thoughts not shared....some opinions suppressed.... Will I get another chance?

Her spirit and soul remains...

Madhavikutty...Kamala Das...Kamala Surayya... whatever the name, whatever the religion...her spirit and humour is envious. Let me confess, I haven't really read any of her works (have watched a few serials based on her creation)...I haven't ever met her... and I don't know much about her. My moments with her are restricted to the interviews she's given on TV and some recent articles written about her or by her.

Initially, I did find her funny and maybe a little crazy. But then there seemed to something about her, a spark, a courage, an innocence which is rare. She wrote and spoke from her heart...never once caring about the viewer or listener. She had what could probably be described as 'ignorant arrogance' or 'innocent frankness'.

She was one writer who wrote effortlessly and passionately in both malayalam and english... But sadly her creations got recognition and appreciation more in the global scene than in her native land. The 'stuck-up' malayali attitude surfaced here too. How could a woman writer about sensuality, love, lust, passion... and so the accusations went. She didn't seem to care and her words kept flowing... until now it no longer would.

I hope to try and pick up some of her books and get a taste of this phenomena called Madhavikutty...or Kamala or Surayya......

In the rains...I dream

It's been raining for the past few days. Wonderfully pleasant morns....with the clouds casting an inviting shadow on the sky..and slowly te drizzles start and before yhou know it, the rains pour down heavy and hard. What a beauty to watch the waters on the glass panes.. (of course not so great when it seeps through into the balconies). I've always loved the rain..shared an intimated relationship with it. 

As cliched or dramatic as it may sound... the fact is, rain has had a strong presence in every important point of my life-- be it the highs or lows. When I fell in love the rains joined me...when I parted ways with my love the rain washed my tears away. When I was out enjoying with friends, the rains added to our fun... when I was working, the rains gave me an excuse to reach office late... when I told my parents that I wish to spend my life with myself, the rains were there to support me... and then again when I had to give in to pressure and disobey my heart, the rain was there again to comfort me and cool my soul... And then again, when I faltered (though I still believe it was the right thing at that moment), the rains came again to help me cope with my loss... And now again when I want to follow my heart, the rains are here to entice me and give me company..... But it takes but a moment for the sun to smile on and wipe the clouds away...and along with it take those drops of joy which has had such a strong presence in my life. 

Rain...rain...don't go away

I have a lot to say...

Rain...rain...bring the wind along

My heart's waiting to sing along...

Kool klan

Am surprising myself with this sudden renewal of blogging (I had failed, yet again, to be loyal to my regular blogger promise). But at times, you're bothered or excited by something or some person and you just have have have to share your feelings. With just a maid and my 8-month old son around....and a husband who (like one of my friend's recently said) prefers to tune out his ears when I talk about new friends, happenings, outings, etc.... I seek refuge here in my ever-faithful blog. Even if I don't care about it for a year, it won't make a sour face or give a study class on the do's and dont's.

To what actually thrilled me. Our friend's family has a annual get together function- a weeklong affair-aptly titled "Kool Klan" This is known to be non-stop fun and nonsense...loads of booze and good food. This time we were invited for what they called as the Kroscar Nite. The men turn women and vice versa. It was maddening and their spirit--both young and old--is commendable. At this time and age, when all are busy with their work, their friends, and have no time for family...this is one family that's hatke. The entire jing-bang comes from across the globe (well, almost) and this one week is a celebration of their relationship. 

It just got me wondering. I am a single child, my husband has one sister. We, at least, had cousins and extended family for some togetherness effect. But my son...will they ever experience this feeling of fun with family. Hope he at least finds good company to share his fun and excitement and woes with... 

No more toothless grins...

Everything that ur little one does brings out a "wow" expression from you. His first smile, his first attempts at turning over, his claps, his unstable, shaky attempts at standing...and now am I thrilled or not to see a little white tooth popping out of his gums. And when he gives out the open-mouthed grin...there's the white lil tooth smiling at you. I love it. 

Like the rains....it started

I've always wondered how people fall love and companionship over the internet, through chatting... how can you find someone interesting without eye-to-eye interaction. At least I believed so. Maybe it's not so tough...or so I've begun to feel. Am leaving out the whys, who, where and when... It's weird, and evern scary at times, but you can find relief, comfort and companionship through just words and conversations. It was so easy to chat, with absolutely no inhibitions. The conversation just went on and on...from one topic to another.. soon realising thr was a lot in common. How long it'll last, hard to tell..... like the rains.....!!!

Maid to order

I have just begun to realise how important it is to have a good "help" at home....and I have also realised that the perfect "help" is just a dream. When it was just the 2 of us, nothing mattered... Our weekly breakfast menu read: Maggi, Bread toast, dosa (wt the readymade batter available at shops).... Lunch meant rice, curd, pickles and maybe a sambar...and dinner was chapathi and one of my veg experiments. 

Now with Ayush around...everything has changed. He needs his hourly dose of feed which people insist should comprise variety and nutrition. The home has a lanudry bag meets playschool look with ashu's toys strewn all over and his clothes n accessories stacked all around. Amidst all this a baby who hates to sleep... Little wonder that I am so dependant on the "help". The one I had declared she was leaving, giving me just a day to digest the news. This is one job that demands no notice period, no formal procedures. 

The above paragraphs were written over a month ago. Never found the time or convenience to get back.. was busy training the new maid and coping with Ayush's latest achievements. I have managed to find a 'help' who is pleasant, good with kids, polite in her manners.... too good to be true ha. But she needs constant reminders when it comes to her daily chores like cooking n cleaning...but am not complaining.. Am comfortable and I've even begun to like her (a rarity usually). Fingers crossed that it's gonna be a long-lasting relationship. 

A joy forever

Expecting a baby....? Does the gender really matter. Not at all, most people would say. But deep down it surely does, for most of us. Most expectant parents (especially first timers) have a desire within hesitate to accept it. I am mother of a 6-month-old son. Many in my family (me too) secretly wished for a girl. And I must admit, for the first month or so the feeling did bug me. My reason was simple: girls have a wide choice of dresses and accessories. But suprisingly and very gladly, one fine day I woke up to adore my son with all my heart. The 'oh why not a girl' bug disappeared. How, I don't know. But am glad it did and now 5 months later, I can't stop feeling awful for ever having wished for more....

Sadly, some people insist on being stuck in the gender game. I still have people (friends and family) who try to warn or scare me about how terrible life is with a boy child. They, sometimes, make comments without a thought if it would upset us. 

For all those who do have a certain desire deep down, let me tell you: one look at their twinkling eyes and that wide-mouthed toothless smile, all you'll see is a 'bundle of joy', irrespective of whether it's a girl or boy.  To all the lil angels.....mmuuaaahhhh!!!! 

Love you little angel

When I am ill, God save anyone who tries to strike a conversation with me. I can be an absolute demon. Now, when my lil one's unwell (he's down with viral fever), I feel guilty. Why....I don't know. Maybe I didnt take care of him well enough, or maybe I got irritated with his cry when he was actually just trying to tell me he's ill.... I started questioning my abilities as a mother. 

We had a party last night...more like a friends' ganging-up excuse at my present neighbour's new apartment (a lovely breezy place by the water). I was all geared up to take Ayush along coz half his day is spend with this neighbour. So much so that I think Ayush still doesn't know which is his own place, and which is the next-door flat! But fever struck and I was forced to leave him at home. Here again I didnt give up my plan of partying....another guilt prick. 

I left him with my parents....and while he clung on to my mom, with his droopy eyes n burning forehead...I said a quick g'bye and left to swing to the music. Soon I realised it's hard to disconnect my mind totally from Ayush. A few dances and plates-ful of snacks later, I decided I better leave. It was a strange relief I had when I got back home and found him sleeping peacefully holding my dad's wrist tightly. There was no regret at having left early. The only worry was that another friend, with whom we had gone, left early to drop us back. We would have managed but.....

I always worried that Ayush would change our lives drastically...I would lose out on 'me-time' and also 'our-time' with hubby and the 'together-time' with friends. In reality, it's me who's cutting down on all these luxuries and clinging onto my baby. 

Love you baby....and get back to your twinkling self soon hon. 

Minding my mind

How does one tame one's mind? Is there come class or course or consultant who teaches you when to react and how, when to shut up and just smile and generally when to "behave". Not that I particularly care about what people think about me (something that had my mom worry since my school days), but at times it helps. 

I've never been the best of behaved... always criticised for keeping friends over family, constantly reminded of my 'everready-to-lose-temper', always given classes on how to keep a pleasant face when you're in the most uncomfortable of situations (read visits to random relatives' places, bugging questions from people etc...) and so it goes. 

Am done with school, college, turned to working lady, entered wedded life and now mommyhood and am still being taught. Which means, in 30 years I still haven't learnt how to live the way "other's want you to". A tough lesson to learn but I better get at least the basics right if I want a smiley shining on me.

Marry me, am jobless

That's exactly how matrimonials of girls should read, even in this time and age. Recently, Kavya, one of the popular actors of Malayalam films got married. The papers and TV channels covered everything from her wedding trousseau, to her hair and make-up, to sari, to jewellery and what not... As expected it was celebrated by the media (even The Hindu, suprisingly!). 

A week later I happened to read an interview of the newly weds, given on the day of their 3rd and final reception. When asked if she would continue in films, our big-eyed lady says "I can never completely detach myself from films.....". Soon her hubby dearest (who claims to have acted in a few films, and is otherwise working in the Gulf), reacts: "A wife has certain responsibilities towards her family [wonder what the hubby's role is]. To fulfill these duties, she would have to stay away from films..." and so he went on. Wonder if he would have said the same if she was an engineer or doctor.

It's disgusting to see people have no faith in their own life partners. And it's a shame these girls agree to spend their lives with such men. While the art of painting is appreictaed and the artist lauded, the art of film-making or acting is condemned (and strangely only when the artiste is a woman). Have you heard of any male actors who have quit films after marriage.... Grow up people!

Sorry, it's 11

Hmmm...I thought my days of deadlines and rules were over. Not yet, it seems. Am married and a mother now but the Big Brother (rather in this case, the Big Aunt/Unc) continues the watch. We live in an appartment and the decision-makers (read jobless, retired, senior citizens) here have come out with their latest 'dos and donts' manual. 

And the holy rule book says: We, the grown up residents of this building have to seek permission and sign registers if we leave from or return to the building after 11. The building has two faulty lifts, one's always non-functional and the other keeps getting stuck; and the place has no water (we wait with buckets at the bathroom taps). But the so-called responsible heads don't have the time or interest in resolving these issues. The more important concern is when the residents (particularly few people who have found permanent place in their black book) step out, with whom they step out and for what!!!

Next in line will be a dress code within the building premises. Don't be suprised if any of you, my friends, are put through a Q&A round and then stamped "Safe" before being let in. Talk about democracy and freedom.

Where's the postman?

The web world is said to make things easier.. Look here, instead of maintaining a diary, buying new ones as each fill and getting pens to pen down your thoughts....now I just have to open my blog n pour out my heart, mind and soul. But try uploading pics and I often end up with the 'page loading error' message. In any case I still cherish 'real' albums to online ones. Every time my mom wants to see Ayush's snap (my 6-month-kiddo) , I need to log into the computer...which is quite irritating. Ah back to photo upload. With all attempts of sleeping having failed, I decided to while away time surfing the Internet. And also decided to update my son's snaps..... But all efforts were met with messages like "install missing plugin", "page loading error" and things I couldn't understand. A few attempts and I gave up. I'd rather take copies and post them (I mean the postman post) to family and friends. Sometimes it's best to return to old practices. Talking of which, how many of you know your postman by name or face? There was a time when postmen were part of friends' circle...they did a small chit-chat while dropping the letter. We were excited to see him too, coz we knew he's brought us messages from friends, family or that someone special. But today his messages are mostly bank statements, exhibition invites, LIC policy reminders, etc...

Sleep...a distant dream

Sleep and I share quite a love-hate relationship. During the day when I hate to sleep, i often feel sleepy. And at night, when I long to sleep, it ignores me. It's almost 1 a.m. and here I am chatting with myself in the blog. It's not b'coz I have promised myself to be regular with my blogging, it's only b'coz I just CANNOT sleep. And when I finally do managed to catch a bit of sleep, Ayush decides he has had his share of sleep. Oh I am missing out on the many dreams I enjoyed while I slept. And I hate to see my husband slide into sleep within minutes of hitting the bed. The lucky few... while I do everything from dish washing to room cleaning to reading to blogging to feel sleepy.. Yaawwwnnnn...where are you?

Mom's the word and the world

Inspired, yes.... but committed to it, not sure. With some of friends reviving their blogs and some starting new ones, here I am, trying to join in. But for how long and how frequently...only Ayush knows. Ayush, by the way, is my 6-month-old son who thinks sleeping during the day is a sin and being calm and peaceful is a shame to his manhood! Motherhood seems to be the flavour of the season. I have at least 5 friends who have stepped into mommy-world in the past 6-7 months. 2008 sure was a fertile year. Now our conversations revolve around nappy changing, food habits, sleep routines (or lack of it) and of course the 'colic time'. But just admit I am quite impressed with myself....I am quite a good mom so far. There was this friend of mine who told me: "Sree, just go ahead wt baby making, trust me it isn't that bad and it doesn't change your life at all." Wonder what she was talking about. I can barely remember how life was before Ayush came along. Well, my routine now is set.... feed, burp, change nappy, play, bathe him, feed, change nappy, burp, clean the pee, poop and puke..., try to put him to sleep, fail, return to play mode, finally knock on neighbours' door and hand ayush over.....and then again the routine goes on...... I do lose my cool at times, but guilt soon takes over. One toothless smile from that naughty face and I know he's a love I can't give up. Love you babydoll.... And I've begun to be more considerate and loving towards my mom too. You don't really know it, till you get there. o that I am here, I respect, love and adore her for tolerating my tantrums and loving me so deeply. Love you amma....though I've never told you that enough.